🌋🧴If i were ever on Naked and Afraid🧴🌋

If I were ever on naked and afraid I’d have to bring sunscreen and my partner would be really pissed

but then I’d be like, trust me, you wouldn’t want me to feel sunburned. It’s terrible. Your skin hurts and you get all red and it’s super uncomfortable

And they’d be like, umm that sounds like a “you” problem and I’d be like, don’t you care about other peoples well being?

And they’d be like, don’t make this about me. It’s a you problem. And then I’d be like, welp, there is no me without you. And they’d be like, what the f are you talking about

And I’d be like, well…it’s like a tree. If it falls in the wood and no one sees it, does it make a sound? And they’d be like…I don’t think you have any idea what you’re talking about

And I’d be like, see I’m already getting sunburned and it’s effecting my storytelling and we’re gonna need stories late at night when we’re naked and afraid in the woods

And they’d be like, we don’t need stories when we’re naked and afraid in the woods. We need a match, or flint, or fire or something

And I’d be like yea your prolly right did you bring some?

And they’d be like, nah I brought this rope

And I’d be like, what the heck do we need rope for??

And they’d be like, well if we fall in a hole or a beast is chasing us and we have to toss the rope over a hanging tree and swing across a a river to get away

And I’d be like, ah yea good thinking

Show Narrator:

Adam is beginning to get badly sunburned for lack of coverage on his skin. The partners have been standing in the drop off spot for half a day debating the pros and cons of their individual items

Survival Rating is at 0 stars

Camera men are almost out of snacks

Show Narration Continued:

the partners are presenting no signs of letting up

the have begun to discuss the philosophical implications of two heterosexual men using each other’s bodies for warmth

it seems they are now trying to convince each other how not gay they are

Adam is very badly sunburned

Continued Narration:

the crew has set up camp & the sun is descending

both men have spent an entire day arguing while also trying to not look at each others private parts

Sometimes one of them looks but pretends they didn’t even though the other person saw them do it


It appears they’ve given up arguing and are now comparing circumcisions to debate which surgeon did a better job

“Well I don’t think mine was a surgery cause from the pictures it looks like everyone just stood around at the synagogue while the Rabbi fed me wine and nipped the tip”


Its getting cold and dark

both men are now sitting cross cross apple sauce in the drop off spot

Adam is very badly sunburned and his partner is looking for his phone so he can google “Jewish Circumcision”

“what the hell, I can’t friggen find my phone”


Nobody has a phone.

Survival Rating is -10,000 million stars

Dusk has approached

Adams partner is knocking on the tents to ask the crew for snacks but the crew is contractually obligated not to respond in any way shape or form

Adam’s partner is extremely frightened thinking he’s invisible or a ghost or dead cause no one can see or hear him

The crew is contractually obligated not to respond in any way shape or form

Narration continued:

The day is coming to a close and both men have yet to leave the drop off spot

The sunscreen and rope sit unused at the edge of the camp

Adam has de-volved into an unconsciously breathing living sunburn, baked and burned naked into the ground

His partner is afraid that he’s on the Truman Show but different cause everyone’s actually a robot

Neither men have made progress towards the checkpoint and the crew is sleeping in their tents

The night sky shines and our camera zooms out

Day 1: Complete

Survival Rating: -3.141592765 (that’s as far as I can remember for pi)

🌋🧴 Naked & Afraid 🧴🌋

-the end-

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