I was up until 4AM caught in a k-hole of Kitchen Nightmare episodes w/ Gordon Ramsay.
And for those who don’t know, a k-hole is when you’re so engrossed in something that you lose track of time and space. You essentially blend in with whatever you’re watching and cease to exist.
Picture the old anti-drug ad where the kid is deflated into the couch from smoking too many marijuanas. It’s like that, but it also happens when you’re on YouTube or Netflix.
Anyways, I was up till 4 in the morning watching Kitchen Nightmares and woke up the next day totally deflated.
There was nothing in me that wanted to get out of bed.
Full blown depressive episode in full effect.
No hope, no ambition, no desire, no want, no nothing. An existential pit of meaninglessness. Nothing matters, theres nowhere to go, and whats the point of anything?
But something interesting happened. I recognized it for what it was. I saw the depresh as a separate entity, almost as if my body was deflated, but my mind was clear.
“Oh snap! This is just a depresh. I’m used to this. I know what this is.”
So I decided to accept it.
And then I was like…how about I just enjoy the depresh? Why don’t I let myself be down without trying to fix, or get out, or move past it? What if I looked at this experience as an opportunity to practice mystic principles?
To be totally sad, deflated, and uninspired while also happy that it was happening.
Can you be sad and happy at the same time?
All I wanted to do was lay in bed.
I didn’t want to think, I didn’t want to feel, and I didn’t want to interact.
At first, I felt bad about it. I felt like it was wrong and I was doing harm to others. My mind was telling me that there were people that needed me, people that depended on my participation in the world to make their life better…
And that was bullshit.
It was my old programming, my monkey mind attempting to dig me deeper into the depths of the depresh. To make me feel bad about feeling bad.
The reality was: my body (biology) was fucked and it just needed care.
So I did what any self-respective sad boy would do.
I got online and watched YouTube videos.
I pulled up clips of Steve Jobs, Jordan Peterson, and UG Krishnamurti (he’s a guru who talks all about how enlightenment is bullshit).
I watched a twitch streamer play Super Mario Kaizo. I pulled up a YouTube video of a dude exploring the Crystal Caverns in Everquest (one of my favorite zones from back in the day) and then…
I knew what I needed to do.
I needed to play Everquest.
So I began the arduous process of attempting to download a windows game from 1999 to install on the MacBook. I couldn’t get it working, got frustrated, and fell asleep around 5pm.
I woke up at 8pm and decided to try and download a different MMORPG (massively multiplayer online roleplaying game).
After a couple of hours, I got one running and was able to play 13 levels of Dark Age of Camelot.
By this point, Melissa was pissed.
She went to sleep at me and I spent the rest of the night reading about a text based MUD (multi user dungeon) from back in the day called “DragonsGate”.
So…why write all this up? Why talk about it? Well…
Because I learned a shitload.
-What I Learned-
-Depression is fine and I don’t have to beat myself up about it. I can even enjoy it. It’s just a passing weather system.
-If I allow my monkey mind to beat itself up for being depressed, it makes it a million times worse.
-I can be depressed, and happy, at the same time. And it’s because I didn’t identify with the depression. I didn’t accept it as a permanent effect, just a wave.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
-I must limit my consumption of Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay. TV and stimulation needs to be off at midnight. If I’m not falling asleep by then, chances are I’m prepping for another episode of the SadBoy Olympics.
-Things I Could Have Done Better-
-Call someone and let them know that I was experiencing a depresh. Mind you, theres nothing anyone could have said, or done, to get me out of it, but who knows? If anything, it would have be an opportunity to let someone be of service.
-Check in with someone to see how they are doing. Super helpful because it helps get “me” out of me.
The trouble with the depresh is it’s a totally soliptic experience. It’s all about “me”. And, when it happens, it isolates me from the world…
But thats OK.
While the depresh was happening, I was reminded of a Tao that a friend had sent me a few weeks ago and I found it to share with you:
Do you want to improve the world?
I don’t think it can be done.
The world is sacred.
It can’t be improved.
If you tamper with it, you’ll ruin it.
If you treat it like an object, you’ll lose it.
There is a time for being ahead,
a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion,
a time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous,
a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe,
a time for being in danger.
The Master sees things as they are,
without trying to control them.
She lets them go their own way,
and resides at the center of the circle.
From the Tao Te Ching
There is a time for everything.
Except for Kitchen Nightmares with Gordon Ramsay. It turns you depresh. Like a Mogwi who gets fed into a Gremlin after midnight. Don’t do it.
Thanks for reading!
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