I used to believe I had to be a better man for the girl of my dreams…
A girl I had never met.
A female that would appear in response to my own pursuits, passions, and desires.
A figment of my imagination that I worked towards.
But, “she” was never real.
I believed that my attitudes and actions would bring me happiness in the form of a female.
I was wrong.
I once believed that true happiness could only be attained through companionship.
An emotional expectation attached to the infinite variable of another person.
A being with free-will. A person whose emotions shift, change, and evolve. An entity that has its own ideas of happiness, expectations, and comfort.
Straight up, people change their minds, like, all the time. People shift their attitudes and beliefs; they learn, feel, and grow…
And, people don’t “decide” who they’re attracted to, or what they want. We don’t “choose” to feel infatuation, attraction, or desire.
We just do.
Have you ever tried NOT to think someone was attractive?
It’s damn difficult.
Like an amoeba that adapts to its surroundings; influenced by the contents of a petri dish.
Or a planet that careens through space; deflecting, rejecting, or receiving particles that approach its orbit…
We have no control over the people that enter, and exit, our lives.
We don’t decide whether or not our gut will gravitate towards someone we meet.
It’s out of our control.
A year ago I sat in my car. Isolated and alone. Writing on a notepad: pleading, praying, and begging for someone to be there; to hold my hand while I felt alienated from everyone and everything.
Wishing for someone to understand, comfort, and support me.
But, she never appeared.
If she had…
I wouldn’t have learned shit.
I’d have never figured out, and worked through, my own self-induced alienation. My comfort would have been provided by a variable other than me. A human entity with its own hopes, dreams, desires, and expectations on what “happiness” is supposed to feel like.
And what if my own presence was the source of her happiness?
I wouldn’t want that responsibility.
If our life is a river flowing towards something, shouldn’t that something be attainable from within, rather than without?
And if she were to appear, are we supposed to merge our rivers and flow together?
Can we agree on what we’re flowing towards?
Maybe it’s a nice job, a family with children, a house and a yard for playing. A warm fireplace to watch family come and go, learn and grow, during the darkest and coldest months of the year.
Maybe it’s the promise of a Hallmark Holiday. Festivals that allow us to feel comfort during our planets descent into seasonal darkness; the twilight of our journey around the sun.
But what’s the point? What’s next? Isn’t there more to happiness than just an expectation for companionship?
“Happiness is only real when shared.”- Christopher McCandless
Happiness is real right now. With, or without, a companion.
It’s the journey. It’s our perspective. It’s our intent and our drive. Our decisions and our thoughts.
The thoughts and ideas we have come and go, but unlike an animal that reacts on instinct, we have the unique ability to commandeer the vessel of our mind.
We can observe our thoughts and influence them. We can direct our mind towards the idea of something imaginary.
So, can we take actions that could potentially attract other people to us?
But is the appearance of “someone” the goal?
I used to believe “she” would show up and bring me happiness.
I found comfort in the idea of “her”.
An idea that I created on my own, fully expecting it to manifest. Patiently waiting for her to appear…
She never appeared.
Part of me wants to believe that the things I do are bringing me closer.
I want to hope.
I want to expect.
I want that feeling.
I feel it now and I don’t even know her…
Maybe one day I will.