-Submitted Anonymously to U. I. Minds Eye-
Seated in the back, I claimed a mere corner~just enough space for my small, defeated spirit. Empty chairs sat still around me while I observed the rest of the room through lifeless eyes. I was already harboring anger and resentment towards an experience I hadn’t yet opened my eyes to…
I decided that I hated everything about Alcoholics Anonymous about thirty seconds into the meeting. My ego did not like to admit to being vulnerable, even in a place where vulnerability is not only welcomed, but encouraged.
My spirit is not weak and broken, I’m just tired. I am not plagued with fear, I’m just resistant because this is useless. Being here is certainly not surrender, I have control!
By nature, my first instinct was to build a wall that sheltered stagnancy, protecting me from experiencing the discomfort of change. Even though I walked through the doors because my spirit begged for reform, I refused to listen to what others had to say. Instead, I would think of how miserable and hungover I was ~ trying (and failing) to replay the events of the night prior. I was snapped back to reality when the room suddenly chanted, “We think not!”
What the hell? Is this some sort of a cult?
I dissociated again, and the next words I tuned back into alluded to a fellow’s “spiritual experience.” My version of a spiritual experience was smoking weed and taking psychedelics in the woods…
I came to so many realizations! I found myself, don’t you know?
It wasn’t long before that belief was called into question. I began to see that the life I once thought represented love, openness, and acceptance, was incredibly twisted. I was a hypocrite. When I was using, I thought I really knew who I was: gentle, in touch with the world, peaceful…
That is a load of garbage.
Once I was alone with myself, I became a self-loathing, rebellious, judgemental character that placed my value low in comparison to relationships. There was a mass of anxiety that perpetually boiled inside of me, as if any second I was going crack.
Eventually, I came to the point where I realized that the pain of staying the same was far greater than the pain of changing.
Fine. I will try this whole “God” thing but I’m gonna drag my feet the entire way just so all of you know that I still think it’s stupid.
Many people blame God for bringing them to a lamentable bottom; He is hateful and punishing in their minds. This notion can cause hesitance towards growing spiritually. I was not quite resistant for the same reason. I had always seen God aligned with a religion, and I didn’t identify with those institutions. In time, I was able to separate the two, and came to understand that adopting a Higher Being did not have to mean I was to wear a cross around my neck.
But, I was still not willing to let go of the reigns.
My whole life had been spent trying to control something. Whether it was through disordered eating, relationships, or the hundred other forms of self-harm I would participate in, the truth is, I broke quickly upon entering the program. I was in too much despair to continue to fight. The unmanageability of my life seemed relatable to the people in AA. The willingness I had did not parallel with my inability to trust, yet still, my willful switch turned off and something in me decided to try this way of life.
As time passed, I discovered that the freedom which awaited me could only be found if my eyes opened and my spirit awakened. I began to find great liberation and relief in connecting to a Higher Power.
Letting go has allowed me to begin the process of healing the heart and mending the soul. I no longer have to try to tame racing thoughts because I have a Universe that allows me to rid myself of these worries and fears.
Sometimes I wake up feeling this true sense of oneness, and some days I find myself standing in the express checkout lane at Kroger, tight-chested, with a single bead of sweat running down my temple, all because the jabroni in front of me has THIRTEEN items when the sign clearly states that the limit is ten.
In that moment, all of that shit I just talked about goes straight out the window. Questions of “who the fuck does this guy think he is?” and “doesn’t he realize he is about to make me late to work?” are ripping through my mind and I’m convinced that this guy is the absolute worst human being to ever exist.
It’s probably a couple hours before I can step out of myself and realize how ridiculous my reaction was in this unimportant moment. I could attribute being a grouch to the fact that I was hungry, not caffeinated, and stressed. I was so quick to make out this man to be a self-centered barbarian who deems himself above the rules, when in actuality these thoughts were just a projection of my discontented feelings. The poor dude was just trying to buy some TP in peace!
I used to think that I wasn’t permitted to admit feeling anything other than calm and “alright”. I’m just a dirty hippie with a meditation ritual, a house full of crystals, incense, a pile of books in place of a TV, and a closet that holds more backpacking gear than it does actual clothes.
To this day, I still struggle with the idea that I’m always supposed to seem peaceful and I’m out of character if I project any negative emotion. I hold an expectation of myself to maintain a serene, happy energy even when the world around me is evoking all sorts of anxiety, sadness, rejection, and loneliness.
Along with the shame I experience when overcome with sentiment, I also struggle with wanderlust. I find myself wishing the present to be something it isn’t, and having trouble differentiating the line between aspiration and discontentment in my own reality. My visions help keep me motivated, but sometimes they keep me in a state of mind that only believes I will be happy once I arrive.
I have big plans…some realistic, and some a hopeful long-shot. I am certain that they will all become more and more distant if I neglect to find gratitude and beauty right here, right now.
Most of my writings are just blueprints of these dreams, but I wanted this one to map out the progression of realization, and point at the fact that I continue to experience it daily…
And yet still, maybe I will never fully achieve what I’m yearning for.
I am able to recognize my defects today, such as my inability to develop a simple closing paragraph that organizes my rambling.
So, that’s just going to have to be the end of this.