Well, I guess the first thing I should say before starting is wtf do I know about anything
I don’t know much.
I have experiences, opinions, and judgements. I’m selfish, insecure, and half a bit loopy most of all the time.
Sometimes I feel awake. Other times, I sleep.
I like sleep. I don’t think so much. When I’m awake, I feel everything.
Sometimes I can sense the grey matter in my brain push up against the walls of my skull. I can feel it pulsing, almost as if it’s trying to break free from itself. What I’m saying is, sometimes I can feel my brain inside my head.
It happens while I’m driving or late at nite when I’m trying to fall asleep.
Yea. Sometimes I can feel my brain.
I can be aware that I’m thinking, I can feel all the feels, and I can separate myself from it all. Observe everything as it happens to the character of Adam.
I do it with my eyes open.
It’s easier to recognize everything as one happening when I see, hear, and feel the world around me. I notice my thoughts as the same drip of water that drops from the faucet. Or the bird that chirps. Or the tree that sways…
None of it is me. It’s all just happenings.
I don’t take things personally but everything feels personal.
It’s a hard road to balance and I find it works best in movement. Like riding a bicycle. If you stop, you’ll stay still and fall over.
Sometimes I pedal really fast so I can let go of the spoke and just coast. Push a little bit as hills rise and fall.
I honestly believe the best things I’ve ever done weren’t because of me.
All I did was make a decision to show up. To open my mouth, move the pen, or practice.
My dad will debate me all day on this. He disagrees.
I say when the ball snaps, intuition and athleticism take over. There’s no control, just flow.
He says it’s all control. We make choices in real time to adjust to our circumstances.
I think we’re both right.
Sometimes I think we forget how flipping crazy it is to exist on a planet in an infinitely expanding universe.
You’re alive right now and it’s the only time it will ever happen. And no one knows how we got here or where we’re going.
And thats why I believe in Magic. Cause theres no other word to explain the inexplicable.
I don’t cast spells anymore though. I sit, and listen, and read books about mystic power…and I really hope I don’t go crazy again.
Sometimes I forget how awesome it was to be psychotic.
Like a hand of god on your shoulder guiding your way. All aware, all powerful, and totally insane.
It feels so good that when you come out of it you’re sad it’s gone.
A lot like heroin too. Or for that matter, falling in love.
States of psychosis, heroin, and falling in love. The worst best feelings in the world cause once they happen you’re fucked and things wont ever be the same.
That’s not to say it’s all bad either. It just means things will be different cause you have to change.
And ain’t nobody got time for that.
It’s better to stay safe than test the waters cause when you jump in, you have to learn to swim with sharks.
People die all the time. Just the other day we lost a friend to a drug overdose. Last summer one of my best friends committed suicide by hanging herself.
I don’t say this to feel sorry for them or for me, just to say that if you’re swimming, there’s gonna be sharks.
Sometimes I wish someone taught me to swim before I dove in. Though I don’t think it would have made a difference. I really like doing hood rat stuff with my friends. Always have, always will.
Part of what’s wrong with me is my inability to conform with anyone or anything.
I think that’s why it hurt so bad the last time I fell in love.
Cause i saw a future with someone that wasn’t me and there wasn’t anything I could do. No control. No knowing. And I tried to conform to the idea.
Falling in love.
It wasn’t about me, it happened to me, and then I made it all about me.
Ever since I got off dope I’ve been totally resistant to depending on anyone or anything that makes me happy.
I hate needing stuff to feel ok. I spent too long on that road and when I got off, I wanted to stay off.
But there’s no controlling life, or happiness. It happens whether I like it or not.
I know what it feels like to experience the divine but I don’t know how to trust it.
I’m learning now. Like, right now. Every day. Like a full time job to get out of my own way.
Cause things want to happen on their own. Like my breath or the blood flowing through your veins. The air, the wind, and the current.
I find I do my best living when I’m not thinking.
When I’m flowing, trusting, and letting things go their own way.
It’s not to say that I don’t have an idea of where I want to go cause for the first time in a long time I do.
Listen to me read this essay unabridged (w/ sweet jams) on the newest episode of Inside the Minds Eye
Thanks for reading! 🙂