When heroin is removed, all that remains is the obsession.
When you don’t have it, you’re antsy and anxious and depressed. You can’t enjoy the weather, people, music, movies, or art.
The idea that people can be outside mowing the lawn, or talking on the phone, or smiling and laughing is unfathomable. Continue reading Rock Bottom
I was up all night doing cocaine before a 5am conditioning session with the football team.
20 minutes into the exercise, I blacked out and woke up in the hospital.
The doctors had me stay overnight to be observed. My Mom flew halfway up the east coast to make sure I was alright. Continue reading A Reflection on Collegiate, and Present, Consequence
I won’t be recording myself in 12-step meetings anymore.
Here’s the final episode of my two part podcast: Continue reading Powerlessness and Doing Scary Shit (#2)
I shared in an AA meeting. The topic for the group was Higher Power (“God”).
I put my iPhone down, pressed (record), and joined the discussion: Continue reading “God” is Irrelevant (AA Share #1)
My high school sweetheart died of a drug overdose.
I spoke to her 2 weeks before she OD’ed and told her that she needed to check into a detox.
She wouldn’t do it… Continue reading 11:11 Make a Wish
I decided that I hated everything about Alcoholics Anonymous about thirty seconds into the meeting. My ego did not like to admit to being vulnerable, even in a place where vulnerability is not only welcomed, but encouraged… Continue reading Anonymous Submission
On the way home from work, I felt lonely. I felt an emptiness; a vague notion of isolation as I drove alone on the highway… Continue reading Risk: For a Few Sentences More…
I used to be a heroin addict.
3 1/2 years ago I spent a week detoxing in my room from all substances.
I haven’t had a drip, or a drop, since.
I don’t feel proud either… Continue reading When in Doubt: Risk
While on the birthright trip, I encountered a young man. Erick. He seemed different to me, he seemed at peace. He held himself with an air of serenity. Almost instantly, I noticed he was prominently placed anywhere we were. Prominently placed by his own vibe, his own energy. I could sense something that drew me to him. Something that caught my attention, despite the massive amount of frantic energy provided by a group of recovering alcoholics on vacation.
He didn’t speak much, he smiled occasionally. There was something about him and I couldn’t place it. I began to observe him… Continue reading “A Glance Inside the Minds Eye” Part 3: A Step Into Spirituality
If I believe I can do something and I’m stoic about achieving; I can attain. Removing drugs and alcohol from my life was a goal only I could reach. Each day, I had to center my thoughts on the singular purpose of not using. I developed a mentality of honesty and realized that when I shared my desire to be sober around others, it gave my past experiences value. Expressing my transparent thoughts and emotions created a daily drive towards success.
I found the same mentality has applied to what I want out of life. There are times when I can doubt myself, times when I can think that what I want is not possible; unreachable. Times when I doubt the integrity of those around me. Nobody sees the future like I do. Nobody feels the intense craving of success quite like I do.
Outside of 12-Step meetings, I found a new purpose. A new reason to wake up every morning. An opportunity to create the music I would like to hear. The people who had manifested themselves around me locked in to my ambition and we found ourselves a taste of success… Continue reading “A Glance Inside the Minds Eye” Part 2: The Disintegration of a Dream